Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Juan Pablo's finale & ATFR

Were you dying last night because I died a few times over. 
It was the most dramatic ending in bachelor history, unlike anything we have ever seen before. Ever. And I'm sure nothing will ever top it (I kid).

I'm still really confused about everything that happened, so sorry if nothing in this blog post makes sense. All I can really say is that the list of people that hate Juan Pablo grew exponentially with each passing minute of the finale and ATFR last night. 

I was so proud of Clare for standing up for herself last night.
"I wish the universe had swallowed me up"- So do we, Juan Pablo. So do we. 

How did he think it was a good idea to tell Clare "I loved 'beeping' you, but I don't know you very well"  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

a) classy way to say you had relations, JP. I'm disgusted by you and your vulgar terms.
b) don't talk about sleeping with someone and telling them you don't know them in the same sentence 
c) all Juan Pablo wanted was a good hook up. Period. 
d) how could you even talk to a guy after he said something like that to you? She should have walked away right then and there. I mean, she would have lost her chance at the Neil Lane diamond, but come on! Are you kidding me? 

Clare was trying to get him to tell her that he liked her and he wouldn't. Besitos don't mean love. How did he not see that? She should have left him that night. Do you really want to be in tears because you don't know if your boyfriend loves you on the night before your potential engagement? Dignity people, dignity.

"Is this why you won't give me besitos?" Yes, JP. You finally read a social situation correctly. It was probably the first and I'm sure it will be the last. #languagebarrierexcuses

-Why does he have ankle bracelets on?

JP's family warned both of the girls of some major issues and they didn't seem to mind:
-he runs at the first sight of difficulty
-he has a temper
-he is stubborn
Wow, those three qualities are on the top of my list of must have's in a future husband...NOT. When the boyfriend's family warns you of their own blood's issues like that, you should probably run, girlfriend!

-Did you notice that JP's sister had her hand on his thigh when they were talking? That's weird. 

-Being rude and claiming that you are just being honest doesn't fly. They aren't the same thing. At all. And that explanation is not a language barrier issues--that's a jerk face issue.

-Oh Nikki. Glad you finally got your roots done. Girlfriend had some terrible regrowth. 
She sat on the couch like an abused woman and didn't say a word. It's like JP told her that she wasn't allowed to talk and she sat there in fear. That doesn't exude happiness to me, just sayin. 

-Did Juan Pablo not realize that his entire life was just filmed and put on TV for the whole country to see? Why is he so concerned about privacy. Sorry, buddy... you kinda missed the whole point of the show. And on top of that, you VOLUNTARILY signed up for this. 

-"We are happy" does not mean "We are in love"
...And we thought Brad Womack was an idiot... 

-I think Chris Harrison was about to get off his chair and punch JP in the face during the interview. JP wasn't actually answering any of the questions. He literally just skirted around every issue. He didn't say anything producers (and America) wanted to hear him say, nor has he said anything of substance about the girl that has professed her love for him. Chris Harrison just wanted him to finally open up, let his guard down and share an emotion. (wow, what a novel concept for a love-based reality show, right? I know, Chris Harrison is so demanding, ha) 
However, we all know that isn't possible because JP just don't have emotions. You know why? 
Because "iiiissss okehhhhh"

-Catherine was right... do not slap the hand that fed you! 
I'd be furious if I was ABC. 
He basically kept saying that he was against everything this show stood for. 

-Did you notice that Juan Pablo said he was on the show to find someone, not that he was there to find a wife? The writing was on the wall from the beginning. 

Also, did you know that JP, his daughter, baby mama, and JP's parents all live in the same house???? Yeah, how's that for twisted? That's going to make for an awkward Saturday morning family breakfast. Oh wait, JP & Nikki have no plans for the future, so maybe it won't be a problem after all. 

-I'm just as excited as Chris Harrison to say this season is over. I'd like to say that ABC could never pick a worse bachelor than JP, but I'm sure they will, but until then... we never have to:
-hear iiiissss okehhhhh again
-see him play with the girls faces and move their hair behind their ear
-watch his weird eyebrow movements
-try to follow a love story of a man that has no emotions 
-hear about Camilla (no offense)
-watch a show where we wished we had subtitles the whole time

[I totally called that one]

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Juan Pablo's overnights

ABC did it again... they hyped this episode to be crazy dramatic and although no bachelorette has ever chosen to leave after the overnight dates, there wasn't nearly as much drama as I'd hoped for. 

-he won't even let her talk because he just keeps kissing her
-I swear JP was drunk the whole time, and here's the funny thing... if americans are drunk and horny, they are creeps, but if sexy Latinos are drunk and horny they are considered smooth. I like it.
-I am way into that yacht
-She tries to explain going to the suite but he interrupts her so we don't even know what the same page they are on is
-she says I'm in love with falling in love with you.... sums up this show ... it's all about the idea of falling in love, not actually falling in love (sorry to get all serious on you, there)

-didnt talk. into himself. didn't ask questions. I mean, I could have told you that and I'm not even on the show. It's obvious. I think the Latino charm blinded them all.
-JP doesn't get it. He might not.........ever.
-"Eeees ohkayyyy" "Eeeees ohkayyy"
-cute white shorts
-bad hair still

-Her top fell off in the ocean- did you notice that? 
-She needs to cover up more. I'm thinking an entire body, inner and outer makeover should be in her near future. 
-I'm not a fan

Monday, March 3, 2014

Juan Pablo hometowns

-Didn't get home in time to see her hometown date... I'm assuming it consisted of a lot of terrible, classless outfits and bad roots?

-Juan Pablo is terrible at shooting guns
-His stance was hilarious and I loved that Andi was so much better than him
-Why is Andi's dad's name Hy? Is that short for something?
-Andi's dad gave the most real response ever.... "if your daughter's boyfriend came to you and asked to marry your daughter even though he had 2 other girlfriends, what would you do?" 
I can't believe that in all the seasons of this show, no one has acted like this isn't a normal situation. Who would actually give their daughter's hand to a boy that has multiple girlfriends? Thank you, Hy. I'm kinda into your weird name, and I'm kinda into you as a dad. 

-Every time I see Renee, I just want to brush her hair and maybe give it a good blow dry?
-Her reunion with her son was so sweet. 
-How does she think she is in love with JP? I would think she would be more skeptical and slow on the uptake because she's a single mom.... or not. 

-I admit, I cried when she started talking about her dad and the sweet things he did with her before he died. He sounds like the sweetest guy ever. I mean, I wouldn't share those personal things on national TV, but regardless, it made me like her dad. RIP. 
-Clare has 1 pretty sister and then the other one's could be Buzz's girlfriends. 
-Her sister Laura?!?!? I thought it was Clare's mom until they got into the fight.
-Why doesn't Clare's mom stand up for herself? She just sits in the middle of a fight, literally, and takes it? 
-Why does her mom speak Spanish? Is Clare half Argentinian? If so, why do I feel like she's never talked about that before?
-Do most grown women refer to their Moms as "Momma" or am i missing something? 

The rose ceremony
-Clare isn't any prettier
-I knew he was sending Renee home... called it!
-Why would you tell someone you love them as they are dumping you? That's not going to make them un-dump you.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Juan Pablo- episode 7

Sorry for the delay.... bronchitis and a sinus infection have kept me down for the better part of last week. 
That being said, I don't want to keep this post from you for Juan more minute. 

-I love that JP's cousin has braces
-Sharleen has 10 minutes to get ready for her date, yet she spends some of that time pondering her life on a balcony? That time could have been better used practicing kissing on the back of her hand. Just sayin.
-Sharleen is the worst kisser. She makes me want to die
-Stop making out
-Juan Pablo just bit her lip. O.M.G.
-They don't talk. They just kiss. What a connection.

-Is Nikki really going to wear that on a date to Camilla's dance recital? Classy.
-Juan Pablo's baby mama is the hottest girl on this season. She needs more air time
-Baby mama for bachelorette! I'm starting the campaign now.
-How did Nikki just tell Camilla that her kisses taste like Cheetos? I think she thought she being cute but it just made me feel weird. 
-Nikki is wearing a shirt made out of paper
-Did you just see Juan Pablo looking down Nikki's shirt? I mean, she's totally asking for it with that shirt, or lack thereof, but still... he wasn't trying to hide it at all. 
-Juan Pablo needs to work on his eye contact. And I don't mean eye contact with the lady parts... he has that contact down just fine. 
-"If the moon and the skies want us to be together" blah blah blah yeah, the bachelor is totally fate, even the universe wants them together.
-37,642 chairs for kisses. I'd be OK with that

-Why are they wearing water socks? I get that they are practical but, come on!
-Nothing will push a guy away more than going to him, crying, being needy, and asking for reassurance.... Except for on this show. They reward that behavior on this show. Reason #20,394 that this show teaches good principles.
-Andi- hot bod. hot dress. not so hot dance moves. 
-I'm glad that she held her rose the entire time they were in the club. I wouldn't want anyone to not know that she didn't win the one-on-one time. 

"Is your stuff in here?"
"Did you pay for this room?"
"Is your stuff in here?"
"Did you pay for this room?"

Clare & Nikki are going to regret that second grade conversation for the rest of their lives. Holy immature. Although, it did make me laugh and then made me so glad I am me and not them, so I guess I'm actually grateful for that cat fight. 

These are the only things Juan Pablo ever says:
-We are going to have a great time
-These girls are awesome
-Give me a kiss

Best part of the episode was the exaggerated, silent "cat fight" or death stares between Clare & Nikki at the end of the episode. 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Juan pablo - episode 6

Who wants join me on a girls trip to New Zealand?
Or maybe I can go there for my honeymoon?

-Why does her ombre look so harsh in this episode? It's ombre out?
-Wearing a one-piece bathing suit... now, that's a first!
-I love me some cave crawling. Reminds of the 'Cave of Wonders' we found at Lake Powell where we would shimmy through little crevices and sing "Oh-we-oh...yo-ho.... a pirate's life for me!"
-Did JP's shoulders look extra broad tonight? OK, I'm fine with that
-Smooth move, JP! Unzipping the jacket to reveal the rose? I dig it. So magician-esque of you. 
-Does saying 'dame un beso' make boys automatically kiss you? If so, I might need to try that out. Stay tuned.
-I feel like Andi kept saying that she wanted to have these great conversations with Juan Pablo, but I didn't really see it happen tonight; Andi did a lot of smiling, Juan Pablo did a lot of eyebrow raises/facial expressions, and they did a lot of kissing. 

Group date
-Did she REALLY just compare Ohio to New Zealand? Oh no, she didn't! [Insert snapping your fingers in a Z formation, here]
-I need some O-go rides in my life
-Nikki doesn't look good without make-up
-I loved when Sharleen just plopped right out of the O-go
-Confession: I follow Juan Pablo on Instagram. He LOVES the selfie
-Tonight Sharleen looks prettier than I've ever thought 
-Why does she lick her lip before every kiss? Creepy. 
-I'd say that assuming a girl feels 'scared but good' is always going to be a sure bet. Sharleen shouldn't be giving JP ESP props for that answer. 
-He just dumped "the special one" on her birthday? Woof.
-Cassandra and Juan Pablo didn't have a connection? Shocker. It's so surprising that a relationship with a woman that is 10 years younger than him didn't work out! 
-Does anyone else think it's weird that JP was calling Cassandra "one of the special ones" ??? Um, thanks? 
I don't really know what that means, but it's just weird. Usually if you get called a special one, that's not a good thing. I'm sure Juan Pablo would blame it on a language barrier, either way. 
-I'd never thought I'd say this, but I'm almost sad I've never seen The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings...I think I would have appreciated Hobbitron a little bit more. 

-As beautiful as the scenery was, why are they picnicking on rocks? That doesn't look comfortable. I mean, the rocks have to be sharp and poking them all over the place! #producerfail
-Wait, I thought Clare and JP did it. How come they are pretending like they just swam in the ocean?
-Also, did anyone notice how long it took them to go from deciding they were going to step back because their actions were inappropriate to being all in in each other's grills? Like .2 seconds flat. 
-I'm sure every woman in America would love to hear "I just love listening to you" after she rants and raves to her man. 
-Hanging out in sweats on the couch and then random living room dancing are the best kind of dates. Maybe Juan Pablo is MY soul mate. 

Rose Ceremony
-Sharleen's hair is terrible 
-Pink underwear? OVERSHARE! 
-Do you think it's cute or annoying that Juan Pablo has to ask what certain words mean?
-Sharleen threatening to leave the show? I wouldn't be mad if she did. She can Opera sing her way right out of here. 

-Whoever steps in the most poops wins! I'd voluntarily lose. That is disgusting x 100.  

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Juan Pablo- episode 5

I know you all just want to talk about Clare, but we will get to that...promise. 

-I want every date to begin with a boy pedaling me around in a little cart
-They had tender physical moments with one another that made it seem very sweet
-"she looks good on that dress" JP's ESL teacher would not be proud of the English he kept exhibiting during this date!
-Juan Pablo is such a charmer
-I would be very happy for Renee if her and JP worked out because they really do have a good single parents connection
-KISS HER already!
-"When I get married, I want a girl that looks like Renee" -- my 16 year old brother
-I want those water lanterns. It's like the Chinese love lanterns but for the water! 

Group Date
-Stop making out with Clare! Why is it OK for him to mak all up on Clare but can't kiss Renee, even when he really likes her and gave her a rose? Sounds like an excuse to me. 
-Chelsie- what the h-e- double... are you wearing?
-All he has to say is "trust me" in his little darling accent, smile and these girls just melt. He's going to end up breaking each one of their hearts. 
-Clare is so rude! What are all the other girls doing while she and Juan Pablo take off for like 7 hours and go make out in his jacuzzi?
-The opera singer loves backless dresses. But she should stop.
-"he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears" WWHHHATTT? I don't even know what that means or how she came up with that, but I do know that I might start using that as my go-to compliment line. I will now be looking for a boy who sees ME as panda bear as well. Send the exotic, bear-loving men my way, please!
-Juan Pablo just keeps making me think he's a womanizer. He talks about how he won't kiss these girls but it's like make out, after make out, after hot tub sesh, after make out sesh. 
-4am hotel room visit? Ok, Michelle Money 

-I'm really not into her hair
-I think it's funny that all these girls are so afraid of these repelling/jumping situations because it's not like ABC would let something happen. I think they probably try it out before to make sure it's safe. 
-"I'm super compassionate and I have a big heart" -- I love self proclaimed compliments/attributes 
-Sick kids are the happiest kids? I think every Mom in America will disagree with that comment. 
-Doesn't sticking your finger in a light socket hurt? Falling in love with JP is painful? I think it was a bad analogy, girlfriend.
-Also, am I the only one who doesn't think she is pretty? Does that make me a bad person? 

Clare vs. Juan Pablo
-I need to take a poll.... 
     Did Juan Pablo and Clare have sex?
I might be naive, but I didn't think they did. But if they didn't, then why is he saying that making out at 4am in the ocean is disrespecting his daughter? I'm all sorts of confused, however, I don't buy any of it. I think Clare wanted to mambo with JP and JP wanted to mambo with Clare. Then, producers were like, um, JP... you keep pulling the 'I have a daughter' card so now we need to figure out a way to make it seem like you regret what you did. AAAAnd enter the 'what we did was wrong' conversation. 
-Juan Pablo knew exactly what was going down during a 4am hotel room visit that started out 99% naked in the ocean. Hello, he does have Latin hips, after all. 

Rose Ceremony
-Boom, JP just goes in for the kiss like woah. Mid sentence and all. You finally got your kiss, Renee. 
-Clare talks like a little mouse
-Clare is not emotionally stable and gets a creepy, giant, cry vein in the middle of her forehead.
-He cried when he sent home 3 girls that we never saw him talk to? What's his reaction going to be when he sends someone home that he actually likes?

OK, I hate this word, but something about JP is just sexy. Like when he does little things, I seriously smile. Yep, sitting on my couch alone, in sweats, I find myself smiling. 
Yep, I shouldn't have typed that, but I did and I'm not hitting backspace. 

I love to hate Juan Pablo, but I really hate to love him so much!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Juan Pablo - episode 4

If you were wondering why I have the smallest eyes, now you know; it's because I grew up in Seoul, South Korea. I lived there for 8 years and felt Korean by the time we left. It was my home. They were my people. I loved seeing all the tourists sights that used to be my stomping ground, along with the nasty street food vendors that I wanted nothing to do with, and still don't.

And just for the record, I've stayed in that exact Hilton hotel room in Korea, so it's like I was on this episode. If you don't think that's enough to make it like I was on the episode, I've also been to nearly every place they went. So yes, I dated Juan Pablo in Seoul, Korea.

If you would like a Korean lesson, here you go:
"bo-bo-jew-say-oh" = please kiss me
"sah-rhang-hey-oh" = I love you
"sah-gay-hey-jew-ship-she-o" = discount please

To say I'm fluent in Korean would be an understatement. I mean, I know the 3 most important phrases in their language! 

And because I am half Korean, the following bugs me:
-"Korea? I don't even have a kimono"... uh, that's Japan, sweetie

-K.POP - I was into it. I knew Korean rap songs and my sister and I used to perform them for the family. I'm telling you-- I thought I was Korean.
-Way to JP's heart... dancing. He'd be so into me
-"K.POP is as big as the spice girls back in the day"... that's the most recent reference JP could come up with?
-Nikki just kept it in her comfort zone of just the side step, just like Hitch taught her. I respect her for that.
-I expected more out of the NBA dancer. Her skills got her a baby daddy, so I had higher expectations for her. 
-Kat really can dance but she was so annoying about it
-Oh, we are taking a picture? Better bust out the peace sign
-"I got a job and moved to Arizona because my dad was an alcoholic for my whole life..." Yeah, I don't see the connection there, Kat.
-How do these girls like JP so much when they don't actually have real conversations with him? They seem so one-sided.
-"I'm a great diaper changer." Yeah, she's 6...Camilla isn't in diapers.

-Why does she bug me so bad?
-I hate Opera. Call me ignorant but I just can't stand it. 
-Why does he like her so much?
-She just told him that she basically doesn't want children and then he immediately hands her the rose? How does that happen?

-Things must be getting really wild if you're spelling 'crazy' with a 'K' -- that's a true sign
-I would be the Clare on the date. I do NOT do food from the ocean. I would have made them force feed me the Octopus and it would have ended with me crying and dry heaving. OK, I mean throwing up. (I'm not exaggerating... that has actually really happened to me)
-"I want a kiss" and JP responds with "Sorry, I can't. I have a daughter" How dumb would you feel? That's like when someone tells you they love you and you say thank you. You just feel so dumb. 
-I'm sure boys love to hear that you threw up in your mouth and then swallowed it. That's super hot, Clare.
-Andi is one of my favorites

-How does the dog lover keep getting a rose? 
-He kept the black girl even though we didn't see her once in this whole episode but got rid of the cute teacher he seemed to think was darling? Sometimes I don't get this show.
-Poor Lauren got rejected on the kiss and then the rose ceremony? She might go hurt herself now... so sad.

The best part of the entire episode was Juan Pablo lip syncing to the Korean K.Pop song during the credits. Give me more JP videos like that. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Juan Pablo - episode 3

I'm thinking that ABC should put subtitles on screen for this season? Just picture it... subtitles for romantic jacuzzi nights... subtitles for romantic helicopter rides (you know it's coming)... subtitles for hormonal meltdown sessions...
now let it sink in.... it's a great idea. 
Maybe producers could put up subtitles or cue cards for the girls to read as well. There's a lot of misunderstanding going on. 

- I haven't been on a date since I was.... 18 years old WOW, we all feel so bad for you... NOT. You're only 21!
- A car that turns into a boat? I need that. 
- She looks like a gazelle 
- Of course he was trying to teach her how to salsa in the kitchen!
- Did they even have a real conversation?

Group date: the soccer field
- boring
- JP did look pretty hot though
- Sharleen walks like a man
- Sharleen kissing was the grossest thing ever! I'm not calling myself the kissing queen, but I'm pretty sure I don't look like that when I kiss. Please tell me you noticed?
SOOOO X 1,000,000 GROSS

Chelsie: "the little girl"
- How annoying is she? Everything she said was so annoying.
- "If we can jump off a bridge together, we could get through just about anything"
- OK, by the end of the date I thought she was kinda fun and totally normal. She grew on me.
- I love Billy Currington but I'm almost positive Juan Pablo had never heard of him, or any of his songs for that matter, before their date. He seemed awkward. Too county and not enough salsa.

JP talks about him and Camilla and how this is a decision for the both of them because she needs a mother, that this season shouldn't be called the bachelor, it should be called "Date my Dad" -- It's cute, yet strangely annoying that he just talks about Camilla. Yeah, I'm a bad person. Maybe it's because I just keep hearing rumors about how it's not sincere and he's doing this just for the attention?  I mean, Camilla was born, so she clearly already has a mother.

Pool party:
- Stop crying Sharleen
- Kat, your boobs are falling out
- Clare is getting too possessive... could be her downfall
- Shocker, Renee is the sweet one that lends a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and motherly advise. Doesn't she get tired of that? 
- Juan Pablo should wear a shirt less often

Were you dying over the English lesson in the post-show footage?

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Juan Pablo - episode 2

The first one-on-one: CLARE
-I like her. She seems normal and kind of like the girl next door. 
-That's the kind of winter I like... winter wonderland without the cold. I'd be so much better at winter if the snow in Utah was fake and not so cold
-Busting out the hot tub on episode #2? this is a sign of good things to come
-Why is SHE giving HIM a back massage... shouldn't it be the other way around?
-Thank you for wearing short shorts, Juan Pablo!
-You taste like snow!? Fake snow can NOT taste good! 
-Look at that rose laying against the back of his neck?
-Is he patting her bum to the beat of the music?
-Oh, and now SHE is patting HIM on the bum to the beat of the music. Nothing says romantic like mutual bum pats to the beat at a concert for two. 
-Couldn't they have gotten a more attractive singer for the private concert?

The Electric one-on-one: KAT
-What is Juan Pablo wearing?
-Who doesn't want to go on a surprise date to the SLC? I'm surprised she didn't guess that's where they would be going. Ha!
-Dream date: dancing and getting sweaty with sexy Juan Pablo
-Never been so mad that I wasn't a part of the Electric Run at Thanksgiving Point. I would have thrown some serious 'bows to get to the front of the line and turn that one-on-one into a group date. It's probably for the better though, I would have stolen the show! Life is so unfair.
-Mad props to Kat for being such a good sport and rockin' the neon and dance moves. Girlfriend has got some moves!

Group date- Photo Shoot
-What the blue goatee?
-What is that fro? This make-up? The worst costumes ever.
-I would be SO mad if my "costume" was a cardboard sign? It wasn't a photo shoot for the homeless, people!
-Why is the free spirit walking the dog naked? Poor dog. 
-Kelly looked like a freak all browned and dotted up.
-... "It's for the dogs"  GIVE ME A BREAK!
-Whose comfort zone is a naked photo shoot? No one! Oh wait, maybe the free spirit. It made me feel so uncomfortable. 
-I love dogs, trust me, but I also am not going to get all nudey, nude just so a dog might get adopted. No gracias, Juan. 
-I'd kiss just about anyone on top of that building -- did you see that view?
-Juan Pablo loves the word elegant.  I wonder if he knows what it means.
-"That's what life is about... straddling people" Glad I have now figured out the meaning of life. And that, my friends, is why the Bachelor is so great; this show teaches you life lessons. 
-JP keeps patting all the girls on the head. Being short, I know how obnoxious being patted is. There's nothing that makes me more annoyed than when a boy pats me on the top of my head. I'm not a dog.
-Yes, the "not drunk" girl is so wasted. "hymen" maneuver? Poor girl meant heimlich. But then she actually really meant CPR, because that's what she was doing, not the heimlich. Victoria needs a babysitter and a good detox. And maybe a vocabulary lesson.
-This show is all about rewarding terrible behavior.
-Adios, chica!

The Rose Ceremony
-The opera singer has 2 caterpillars for eyebrows.
-Which NBA player do you think is the baby daddy for 2-year old Trey? His mama (Casaundra) is a former dancer, so just sayin'
-Renee needs to stop being the house mom. I know she is 32 and has a child, but she needs to stop playing the mom role. She is the sweetest, but there needs to be more than soothing crying girls.
-Free Spirit Lucy is going to show up sans clothes at the next ceremony. Mark my words.

Lucy- "I'm not going to go unnoticed"... as she stands topless in the jacuzzi
"The date card said 'say cheese' so I think it means a photo shoot, but it could mean we are eating cheese... I'm good at both, so it could be either one"

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Welcome to Juan-uary

Welcome to Juan-uary

I can't wait to talk about how sexy Juan Pablo is every. single. week.

Reasons why Juan Pablo is Juan-derful:
he dances along the beach
he has latin hips
he speaks the language of "laaaave" (in JP's accent)
rocks the faux hawk so so well, even though it's out of style 

-When JP was running along the beach... sucks to be the fat chick running behind him in the background
-Word count on "wife" ... any guesses?
-Word count on "me and Camilla" ... any guesses?
I have a feeling that I'm going to be over hearing Juan Pablo talk about needing a wife and mother for Camilla by episode um, 1. Yeah, I'm over it. 

-"I'm at least going to get a hug"  Way to set your sites high, girlfriend. Low expectations lead to a fulfilling life.
-"Hi, I'm Amy" (pauses on her bike)... start of an infomercial? 
-"Ugly people need love to"  Yes they do, sister. Yes, they do. You're preaching to the choir, sista.

amy L- she did like a cheer pose every time she went to give him a hug. Cinnamon roll hands, ladies!
cassandra- crickets. #awkward
christy- Juan Pablo loved her
christine- loved her green mermaid dress 
nikki- let me hold the stethescope right on your boobs to hear your heartbeat. I'm sure Juan Pablo hated that, riiiiight?
kat- "she smells good. very good"
shantel- token black girl
victoria- Portuguese speaker. 10 points to her.
lucy- free spirit. She doesn't wear shoes, so what are the chances that she doesn't shave or shower? High, I say. Very high.
lauren- she brought in a piano!? and then she messed up. #awkwardcity2 
danielle- worst ombre dress ever. worst dressed ever
chelsie- why don't we just have chemistry? At least go all the way and kiss him if you're going to pull a stunt like that
valerie- she looked like she had a snaggle tooth
elise- cute. pretty dress
ashley- sex phone operator voice?
clare- you put on a fake baby bump? stupid idea. 
alli- soccer player = 10 pts
amy- massage therapist = weirdo. so intense. so creeeepy
renee- "bye mama" She is NOT your mom!
lauren h- emotional wreck. stop crying. go see a therapist
maggie- way southern accent, so high pitched and annoying
kelly- dog lover occupation? 
lacy- medicine intro - kind of a cute introduction. Take 2 pills (red hots) and think of me? More like: take 2 of these secret pills and don't ask questions when you wake up and I'm snuggled next to you on the bed. 
alexis- spanish introduction = cliche
kylie- her pink hair clashes with her dress. She looks like a plastic Disney princess
sharleen- opera singer that was so stiff and looked manly. #grandma
andi- JP thought she was wayyyy hot 

How is "free spirit" an occupation? How much does that pay and where can I apply?
And dog lover? Minimum wage? Hourly? I might add that one to my resume. I'm sure it would get me far. 

JP: "you guys say happy camper or something like that"
I truly love his 'I'm trying to be American and use good English" phrases 

The massage lady was getting turned on touching creep city. I literally felt like I had to take a shower after her segment, that's how filthy I felt watching it. 

Homegirl clearly isn't over her ex-fiance. How is she crying this much already? She isn't "totally over it" at all and she needed to go home. She is totally going to regret the premature tears. 

Andi: "I'm a lawyer"
JP: "Wow, you read a lot"

Opera singer- stop calling Juan Pablo sir!!! He's not your drill sergeant. And how did she get the first impression rose??? I did NOT see that coming at all. 
Plus, it was so rude that she said she wasn't feeling it and then she accepted the rose anyway.

The dog whisperer really just accepted on behalf of her AND her dog? "WE accept this rose!" Is it a 2-for-1 deal? Apparently.

Kat does NOT sound like Kylie! We just call that wishful thinking, sister. 

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Countdown to Juan Pablo

Welcome to JUAN-uary!!! 
He is my Juan and only

Can't wait to spend an hour tonight with my Latin lover (and the rest of American. NBD)