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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Juan Pablo - episode 4

If you were wondering why I have the smallest eyes, now you know; it's because I grew up in Seoul, South Korea. I lived there for 8 years and felt Korean by the time we left. It was my home. They were my people. I loved seeing all the tourists sights that used to be my stomping ground, along with the nasty street food vendors that I wanted nothing to do with, and still don't.

And just for the record, I've stayed in that exact Hilton hotel room in Korea, so it's like I was on this episode. If you don't think that's enough to make it like I was on the episode, I've also been to nearly every place they went. So yes, I dated Juan Pablo in Seoul, Korea.

If you would like a Korean lesson, here you go:
"bo-bo-jew-say-oh" = please kiss me
"sah-rhang-hey-oh" = I love you
"sah-gay-hey-jew-ship-she-o" = discount please

To say I'm fluent in Korean would be an understatement. I mean, I know the 3 most important phrases in their language! 

And because I am half Korean, the following bugs me:
-"Korea? I don't even have a kimono"... uh, that's Japan, sweetie

GROUP DATE
-K.POP - I was into it. I knew Korean rap songs and my sister and I used to perform them for the family. I'm telling you-- I thought I was Korean.
-Way to JP's heart... dancing. He'd be so into me
-"K.POP is as big as the spice girls back in the day"... that's the most recent reference JP could come up with?
-Nikki just kept it in her comfort zone of just the side step, just like Hitch taught her. I respect her for that.
-I expected more out of the NBA dancer. Her skills got her a baby daddy, so I had higher expectations for her. 
-Kat really can dance but she was so annoying about it
-Oh, we are taking a picture? Better bust out the peace sign
-"I got a job and moved to Arizona because my dad was an alcoholic for my whole life..." Yeah, I don't see the connection there, Kat.
-How do these girls like JP so much when they don't actually have real conversations with him? They seem so one-sided.
-"I'm a great diaper changer." Yeah, she's 6...Camilla isn't in diapers.

SHARLEEN
-Why does she bug me so bad?
-I hate Opera. Call me ignorant but I just can't stand it. 
-Why does he like her so much?
-She just told him that she basically doesn't want children and then he immediately hands her the rose? How does that happen?

GROUP DATE
-Things must be getting really wild if you're spelling 'crazy' with a 'K' -- that's a true sign
-I would be the Clare on the date. I do NOT do food from the ocean. I would have made them force feed me the Octopus and it would have ended with me crying and dry heaving. OK, I mean throwing up. (I'm not exaggerating... that has actually really happened to me)
-"I want a kiss" and JP responds with "Sorry, I can't. I have a daughter" How dumb would you feel? That's like when someone tells you they love you and you say thank you. You just feel so dumb. 
-I'm sure boys love to hear that you threw up in your mouth and then swallowed it. That's super hot, Clare.
-Andi is one of my favorites

ROSE CEREMONY
-How does the dog lover keep getting a rose? 
-He kept the black girl even though we didn't see her once in this whole episode but got rid of the cute teacher he seemed to think was darling? Sometimes I don't get this show.
-Poor Lauren got rejected on the kiss and then the rose ceremony? She might go hurt herself now... so sad.

The best part of the entire episode was Juan Pablo lip syncing to the Korean K.Pop song during the credits. Give me more JP videos like that. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Juan Pablo - episode 3

I'm thinking that ABC should put subtitles on screen for this season? Just picture it... subtitles for romantic jacuzzi nights... subtitles for romantic helicopter rides (you know it's coming)... subtitles for hormonal meltdown sessions...
now let it sink in.... it's a great idea. 
Maybe producers could put up subtitles or cue cards for the girls to read as well. There's a lot of misunderstanding going on. 

Cassaundra
- I haven't been on a date since I was.... 18 years old WOW, we all feel so bad for you... NOT. You're only 21!
- A car that turns into a boat? I need that. 
- She looks like a gazelle 
- Of course he was trying to teach her how to salsa in the kitchen!
- Did they even have a real conversation?


Group date: the soccer field
- boring
- JP did look pretty hot though
- Sharleen walks like a man
- Sharleen kissing was the grossest thing ever! I'm not calling myself the kissing queen, but I'm pretty sure I don't look like that when I kiss. Please tell me you noticed?
I.
AM.
DYING.
SOOOO X 1,000,000 GROSS

Chelsie: "the little girl"
- How annoying is she? Everything she said was so annoying.
- "If we can jump off a bridge together, we could get through just about anything"
- OK, by the end of the date I thought she was kinda fun and totally normal. She grew on me.
- I love Billy Currington but I'm almost positive Juan Pablo had never heard of him, or any of his songs for that matter, before their date. He seemed awkward. Too county and not enough salsa.

JP talks about him and Camilla and how this is a decision for the both of them because she needs a mother, that this season shouldn't be called the bachelor, it should be called "Date my Dad" -- It's cute, yet strangely annoying that he just talks about Camilla. Yeah, I'm a bad person. Maybe it's because I just keep hearing rumors about how it's not sincere and he's doing this just for the attention?  I mean, Camilla was born, so she clearly already has a mother.


Pool party:
- Stop crying Sharleen
- Kat, your boobs are falling out
- Clare is getting too possessive... could be her downfall
- Shocker, Renee is the sweet one that lends a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and motherly advise. Doesn't she get tired of that? 
- Juan Pablo should wear a shirt less often

Were you dying over the English lesson in the post-show footage?
CHIV-AL-ROUS 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Juan Pablo - episode 2

The first one-on-one: CLARE
-I like her. She seems normal and kind of like the girl next door. 
-That's the kind of winter I like... winter wonderland without the cold. I'd be so much better at winter if the snow in Utah was fake and not so cold
-Busting out the hot tub on episode #2? this is a sign of good things to come
-Why is SHE giving HIM a back massage... shouldn't it be the other way around?
-Thank you for wearing short shorts, Juan Pablo!
-You taste like snow!? Fake snow can NOT taste good! 
-Look at that rose laying against the back of his neck?
-Is he patting her bum to the beat of the music?
-Oh, and now SHE is patting HIM on the bum to the beat of the music. Nothing says romantic like mutual bum pats to the beat at a concert for two. 
-Couldn't they have gotten a more attractive singer for the private concert?

The Electric one-on-one: KAT
-What is Juan Pablo wearing?
-Who doesn't want to go on a surprise date to the SLC? I'm surprised she didn't guess that's where they would be going. Ha!
-Dream date: dancing and getting sweaty with sexy Juan Pablo
-Never been so mad that I wasn't a part of the Electric Run at Thanksgiving Point. I would have thrown some serious 'bows to get to the front of the line and turn that one-on-one into a group date. It's probably for the better though, I would have stolen the show! Life is so unfair.
-Mad props to Kat for being such a good sport and rockin' the neon and dance moves. Girlfriend has got some moves!

Group date- Photo Shoot
-What the blue goatee?
-What is that fro? This make-up? The worst costumes ever.
-I would be SO mad if my "costume" was a cardboard sign? It wasn't a photo shoot for the homeless, people!
-Why is the free spirit walking the dog naked? Poor dog. 
-Kelly looked like a freak all browned and dotted up.
-... "It's for the dogs"  GIVE ME A BREAK!
-Whose comfort zone is a naked photo shoot? No one! Oh wait, maybe the free spirit. It made me feel so uncomfortable. 
-I love dogs, trust me, but I also am not going to get all nudey, nude just so a dog might get adopted. No gracias, Juan. 
-I'd kiss just about anyone on top of that building -- did you see that view?
-Juan Pablo loves the word elegant.  I wonder if he knows what it means.
-"That's what life is about... straddling people" Glad I have now figured out the meaning of life. And that, my friends, is why the Bachelor is so great; this show teaches you life lessons. 
-JP keeps patting all the girls on the head. Being short, I know how obnoxious being patted is. There's nothing that makes me more annoyed than when a boy pats me on the top of my head. I'm not a dog.
-Yes, the "not drunk" girl is so wasted. "hymen" maneuver? Poor girl meant heimlich. But then she actually really meant CPR, because that's what she was doing, not the heimlich. Victoria needs a babysitter and a good detox. And maybe a vocabulary lesson.
-This show is all about rewarding terrible behavior.
-Adios, chica!

The Rose Ceremony
-The opera singer has 2 caterpillars for eyebrows.
-Which NBA player do you think is the baby daddy for 2-year old Trey? His mama (Casaundra) is a former dancer, so just sayin'
-Renee needs to stop being the house mom. I know she is 32 and has a child, but she needs to stop playing the mom role. She is the sweetest, but there needs to be more than soothing crying girls.
-Free Spirit Lucy is going to show up sans clothes at the next ceremony. Mark my words.


QUOTE CITY
Lucy- "I'm not going to go unnoticed"... as she stands topless in the jacuzzi
"The date card said 'say cheese' so I think it means a photo shoot, but it could mean we are eating cheese... I'm good at both, so it could be either one"

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Welcome to Juan-uary

Welcome to Juan-uary

I can't wait to talk about how sexy Juan Pablo is every. single. week.

Reasons why Juan Pablo is Juan-derful:
he dances along the beach
he has latin hips
he speaks the language of "laaaave" (in JP's accent)
rocks the faux hawk so so well, even though it's out of style 


-When JP was running along the beach... sucks to be the fat chick running behind him in the background
-Word count on "wife" ... any guesses?
-Word count on "me and Camilla" ... any guesses?
I have a feeling that I'm going to be over hearing Juan Pablo talk about needing a wife and mother for Camilla by episode um, 1. Yeah, I'm over it. 

-"I'm at least going to get a hug"  Way to set your sites high, girlfriend. Low expectations lead to a fulfilling life.
-"Hi, I'm Amy" (pauses on her bike)... start of an infomercial? 
-"Ugly people need love to"  Yes they do, sister. Yes, they do. You're preaching to the choir, sista.

amy L- she did like a cheer pose every time she went to give him a hug. Cinnamon roll hands, ladies!
cassandra- crickets. #awkward
christy- Juan Pablo loved her
christine- loved her green mermaid dress 
nikki- let me hold the stethescope right on your boobs to hear your heartbeat. I'm sure Juan Pablo hated that, riiiiight?
kat- "she smells good. very good"
shantel- token black girl
victoria- Portuguese speaker. 10 points to her.
lucy- free spirit. She doesn't wear shoes, so what are the chances that she doesn't shave or shower? High, I say. Very high.
lauren- she brought in a piano!? and then she messed up. #awkwardcity2 
danielle- worst ombre dress ever. worst dressed ever
chelsie- why don't we just have chemistry? At least go all the way and kiss him if you're going to pull a stunt like that
valerie- she looked like she had a snaggle tooth
elise- cute. pretty dress
ashley- sex phone operator voice?
clare- you put on a fake baby bump? stupid idea. 
alli- soccer player = 10 pts
amy- massage therapist = weirdo. so intense. so creeeepy
renee- "bye mama" She is NOT your mom!
lauren h- emotional wreck. stop crying. go see a therapist
maggie- way southern accent, so high pitched and annoying
kelly- dog lover occupation? 
lacy- medicine intro - kind of a cute introduction. Take 2 pills (red hots) and think of me? More like: take 2 of these secret pills and don't ask questions when you wake up and I'm snuggled next to you on the bed. 
alexis- spanish introduction = cliche
kylie- her pink hair clashes with her dress. She looks like a plastic Disney princess
sharleen- opera singer that was so stiff and looked manly. #grandma
andi- JP thought she was wayyyy hot 

How is "free spirit" an occupation? How much does that pay and where can I apply?
And dog lover? Minimum wage? Hourly? I might add that one to my resume. I'm sure it would get me far. 


JP: "you guys say happy camper or something like that"
I truly love his 'I'm trying to be American and use good English" phrases 

The massage lady was getting turned on touching him...so creep city. I literally felt like I had to take a shower after her segment, that's how filthy I felt watching it. 

Homegirl clearly isn't over her ex-fiance. How is she crying this much already? She isn't "totally over it" at all and she needed to go home. She is totally going to regret the premature tears. 

Andi: "I'm a lawyer"
JP: "Wow, you read a lot"

Opera singer- stop calling Juan Pablo sir!!! He's not your drill sergeant. And how did she get the first impression rose??? I did NOT see that coming at all. 
Plus, it was so rude that she said she wasn't feeling it and then she accepted the rose anyway.

The dog whisperer really just accepted on behalf of her AND her dog? "WE accept this rose!" Is it a 2-for-1 deal? Apparently.

Kat does NOT sound like Kylie! We just call that wishful thinking, sister. 

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Countdown to Juan Pablo

Welcome to JUAN-uary!!! 
He is my Juan and only


Can't wait to spend an hour tonight with my Latin lover (and the rest of American. NBD)