Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Welcome to Juan-uary

Welcome to Juan-uary

I can't wait to talk about how sexy Juan Pablo is every. single. week.

Reasons why Juan Pablo is Juan-derful:
he dances along the beach
he has latin hips
he speaks the language of "laaaave" (in JP's accent)
rocks the faux hawk so so well, even though it's out of style 

-When JP was running along the beach... sucks to be the fat chick running behind him in the background
-Word count on "wife" ... any guesses?
-Word count on "me and Camilla" ... any guesses?
I have a feeling that I'm going to be over hearing Juan Pablo talk about needing a wife and mother for Camilla by episode um, 1. Yeah, I'm over it. 

-"I'm at least going to get a hug"  Way to set your sites high, girlfriend. Low expectations lead to a fulfilling life.
-"Hi, I'm Amy" (pauses on her bike)... start of an infomercial? 
-"Ugly people need love to"  Yes they do, sister. Yes, they do. You're preaching to the choir, sista.

amy L- she did like a cheer pose every time she went to give him a hug. Cinnamon roll hands, ladies!
cassandra- crickets. #awkward
christy- Juan Pablo loved her
christine- loved her green mermaid dress 
nikki- let me hold the stethescope right on your boobs to hear your heartbeat. I'm sure Juan Pablo hated that, riiiiight?
kat- "she smells good. very good"
shantel- token black girl
victoria- Portuguese speaker. 10 points to her.
lucy- free spirit. She doesn't wear shoes, so what are the chances that she doesn't shave or shower? High, I say. Very high.
lauren- she brought in a piano!? and then she messed up. #awkwardcity2 
danielle- worst ombre dress ever. worst dressed ever
chelsie- why don't we just have chemistry? At least go all the way and kiss him if you're going to pull a stunt like that
valerie- she looked like she had a snaggle tooth
elise- cute. pretty dress
ashley- sex phone operator voice?
clare- you put on a fake baby bump? stupid idea. 
alli- soccer player = 10 pts
amy- massage therapist = weirdo. so intense. so creeeepy
renee- "bye mama" She is NOT your mom!
lauren h- emotional wreck. stop crying. go see a therapist
maggie- way southern accent, so high pitched and annoying
kelly- dog lover occupation? 
lacy- medicine intro - kind of a cute introduction. Take 2 pills (red hots) and think of me? More like: take 2 of these secret pills and don't ask questions when you wake up and I'm snuggled next to you on the bed. 
alexis- spanish introduction = cliche
kylie- her pink hair clashes with her dress. She looks like a plastic Disney princess
sharleen- opera singer that was so stiff and looked manly. #grandma
andi- JP thought she was wayyyy hot 

How is "free spirit" an occupation? How much does that pay and where can I apply?
And dog lover? Minimum wage? Hourly? I might add that one to my resume. I'm sure it would get me far. 

JP: "you guys say happy camper or something like that"
I truly love his 'I'm trying to be American and use good English" phrases 

The massage lady was getting turned on touching creep city. I literally felt like I had to take a shower after her segment, that's how filthy I felt watching it. 

Homegirl clearly isn't over her ex-fiance. How is she crying this much already? She isn't "totally over it" at all and she needed to go home. She is totally going to regret the premature tears. 

Andi: "I'm a lawyer"
JP: "Wow, you read a lot"

Opera singer- stop calling Juan Pablo sir!!! He's not your drill sergeant. And how did she get the first impression rose??? I did NOT see that coming at all. 
Plus, it was so rude that she said she wasn't feeling it and then she accepted the rose anyway.

The dog whisperer really just accepted on behalf of her AND her dog? "WE accept this rose!" Is it a 2-for-1 deal? Apparently.

Kat does NOT sound like Kylie! We just call that wishful thinking, sister.