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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Meeting Prince Farming

The start of the harvest!
Oh, how we have been in Bachelor famine for too long!

Let's get a few things down real quick:

1-Chris is hot
2-Chris isn't a legit farmer...farmers don't dress like him. He's more a businessman who owns a farm
3-He is wearing his shirt far too often in this first episode
4-He might not be funny. Hot, sweet & hard-working, but not so funny

CHRIS:

"I'm proud to feed the world" 
    --I'm not sure why but that made me laugh

"Love is a lot like farming... You plant a sead & watch it grow"

    --so glad his profession can be applied to love, in true bachelor nation fashion. Pilots, farmers, sales guys... it all applies to love. 

Just saying: I'd search corn fields in Iowa if bodies like Cody popped up in rows 


"First time I'll miss harvest"

     --I'll go out on a limb and say that's the first time we've heard that phrase on this show

RED CARPET PRE PARTY:

--Why am I not on the red carpet? I get so mad when I miss these things

--Shawn Lowe's beard is awful. It's a weird, red beard and it needs to go

--Another thing that needs to go = Catherine's see-thru stripped poncho situation that awkwardly rested on her shoulders. RIP Joan Rivers and the fashion police; we needed her tonight. 

--Bachelor babies!!!! I'd be down with a "real mom's of past bachelor seasons" series. Let's get that on VH1 stat.


--"We are 80/40 on the wedding date" -Lacey 

    --I would like to think that she's smart enough to know she said 80/40 on a previous season and was just making fun of herself, but then I look at her and realize there is no way she was smart enough to be funny. Six months later and barbie still hasn't learned a proper ratio.  I didn't take math in college and I didn't pass accounting, but I know 80/20 or 60/40, which makes me smarter than Lacey. Woo woo

--Nikki: what a yacker! She didn't say anything of substance. "We are two different people" News flash--all two people are different. Not that profound, but I'm glad you stood by your man.Don't worry girl... "eeeiiiis ooh kaaaay"

PREVIEW STORIES:

LA waitress 
    --Free hugs? Weird. I liked her until she did that. Also, was she a Disney princess in another  life? Shawn says she looks like Kelli Kaposki from Saved by the Bell. 

Producer-- man eater. Maybe she should date Cody, of Michelle Money's ex boyfriend fame.


Ballerina-- "I like not paying bills and I don't cook" 

    --a) kinda sounds like me  (don't tell Shawn) 
    --b) don't actually say that out loud
    --c) your eyes are popping out of your head and it scares me

Whitney-- the fertility nurse. She sounds like she's on helium. Her voice is killer, like the tone may literally kill someone. Her dog looks like a rat, but I have a feeling she's going a long way.


21 year with baby-- Kale is not a baby name. It's a food. 


Alyssa-- flight attendant. How punny.


Kelsea-- the 28 year old widow. Was she wearing a prom gown in her interview?

    --a)her story made me sad
    --b)I can't decide if I think she's pretty or not
    --c)her thighs probably don't touch, even when she crosses her legs! She clearly didn't eat her feelings away when her husband passed away.
 

OUT OF THE LIMO:
Britt- I want her hair. Amazing. Ok- Longest. Hug. Ever. Let go! Stage 5 clinger?
Whitney- cute yellow shoes
Widow- bad hair
Black & lace dress - pretty girl
Trina- 33 and crimped hair? Ok. Your name is stripper enough, but then you add the crimped hair? Two strikes & she should be out!
Donated tissue specialist? Weird job. Weirder entrance. Take your cooler home
Tara- booty jean shorts? She's no Jessica Simpson in the Dukes of Hazard glory days. Just sayin' And gross back tat
Nikki- former NFL cheerleader? AKA unemployed. So what do you so now? Being a former cheerleader isn't a profession. It's a job from a few years ago.
Someone brought a stuffed bear?
Secret admirer - weird. And belly shirt gowns aren't classy
CrossFit- Can't wait for her to talk about cross fit. What's the number one rule about going to CrossFit? A:Always talk about CrossFit.
Mckenzie- she has a big forehead (I know that's rude, but I also know that you were thinking it too) and maybe she should have brushed her hair
Ashley - 24? She looks 54! Her dress looks like an ice skating in the Olympics outfit
Dance instructor Kaitlin - Matching tats on the back of the arms-niiiiice. Dropping the F bomb- Classy. Almost as classy as the matching tats
Samantha- looks like Snow White
Michelle- Provo? How have I never seen her? I swear I've seen everyone in Provo. Does anyone know her? If so, I'm going to need deets. I like knowing things.
Juelia- weird way to spell your name
Becca- sequins. San Diego. Love it. Super pretty. 
Tandra- motorcycle (or did the horn make is sound like a vespa?) girl. I liked her dress and she seems pretty normal. 
Flight attendant - I actually like her dress
Jordan- whiskey. Her hair must have been done by her 5-year-old sister
A pig nose!!! Nicole.. Really? Not so cute. Not all farms are like "The farmer in the dell" from preschool with all the cute little animals running around. She might not be that smart either.
WWE diva in training- In lingerie. How is that the first time a girl has showed up in lingerie? How do you get 'diva' added into your job description? I'm sure Shawn would argue that mine could easily added, but whatever. Can't wait to see her first one-on-one when she challenged biceps mcgee Chris to a fight.
Carly- cruise ship singer. Awful. Bad, bad singing.
Teacher with student notes- she was cute and has a good introduction
BO- Plus size model. She just didn't stand out to me.
Kimberly- Did she borrow her rose ceremony dress from Brittney Spears's first wedding in Vegas circa 10 years ago? That dress looks like white chapel material. 
Kara- rainbow fish dress. 
Jade- is her top see through? It must be, because I think Chris likes her. She cried because she couldn't find parking? I get that. Seems like something I might do. 

"I wish I was a polygamist right now" 

     --according to previews for upcoming episodes, Chris wouldn't be a good polygamist. Homeboy has major drama rolling his way

--I loved when all the girls were lurking through the windows watching the last two limos show up. Very college school stalking of them, but it was appreciated because it took me back 8 years or so 

--Did you notice how many dark haired beauties there are? Shawn thought it was hilarious that I called them 'dark haired beauties' but there really were just a lot of Snow Whites tonight.

What was with all the drunkies? And an even better question--why did Chris KEEP all the drunkies? They weren't even cute enough to give them a pass. #Ratings #makemomanddadproud

Why did ice skating costume girl get so much air time? Picking a pomegranate? Thinking she saw a huge onion? Asking Chris if he was dying inside? He might not have been, but we ALL were.

You guys!!! The first impression rose...it was dying. Did you notice? Like the petals were falling off and wilting. That's so funny & ironic. I'm sure we could insert some commentary about how it's foreshadowing into their relationship; so beautiful at first, yet died so quickly.

Boom. First kiss. Get it guuuuurl.


CHRIS LOOKS LIKE SUCH A PLAYER! 
I hope it's editing, or we might just have another Juan Pablo on our hands. 

And ladies, please tell me you are commandeering the TV next week to force the Bachelor viewing over the national championship football game? It might be the first major fight in my relationship. And it might just be worth it. 

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