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Thursday, January 29, 2015

The bachelor: episode #4

CAMPING GROUP DATE
--The date was supposed to be natural, and then somehow they all started taking their clothes off. 
     OK, classy city.
     I am so confused as to why everyone is stripping. Isn't that awkward for all parties involved? The bachelorettes don't want to see the other girls naked... they already have crossfit & her black censor box to deal with back at the mansion. I'm sure they wanted a nudity break!
--"This date is made for bimbos" - The widow
     THANK YOU! This whole episode slash season is made for bimbos. (I will finish my rant later at the end of this post)
--If the bachelor is supposed to be like real life (it's not, but pretend it is), then why are they going to a ghetto lake where bees sting you in the bum? 
    Chris wouldn't actually go camping at a mucky lake-- he would go somewhere nice. So even though the widow sounded like a brat saying how gross the lake was and everything, I totally see her side. Plus, I think that girls like Kaitlyn were overplaying that they liked the date and I don't want fakeness on that end of the spectrum either. 
--Ashley S. is from a different planet. Her craziness wasn't even funny anymore
--Kaitlyn is manly and just loves to get drunk. She's weekend fun material, not take me back to mama on the farm material
--Karadashian is sucking Chris' face hard
--I'm not really into any of the campers
--Most REAL moment of the show:
girl tells boy something 'important'
boy 'listens'
girl thinks boy understands what she was saying, even though she skirts around the issue 
boy pretends he knows & understands
girl asks boy later regarding their discussion
boy admits he hasn't a clue
REAL LIFE, PEOPLE
     Girls try to share 'important' information through clues and boys will never pick up on it. 
--If I never hear the word 'virgin' again, I'll be happy
   Any guesses on the number of times it was said in the episode?
   Over or under 41? 

Chris' sisters:
--Two of the three were really cute
     I bet they don't go camping to muddy lakes
--Nothing like meeting a potential sister in law, sans clothes and make up! 

CINDERELLA
--I'm not a huge fan of product placement
     I know this is mean, but do you think the new Cinderella actress has the most caterpillar-esque eyebrows?
--Chris waltzing around solo was the most uncomfortable thing to watch. Please tell me you were all mocking him, too.
     I may or may not (definitely may) have received multiple texts about his solo dance performance
--Did you notice they covered up Jade's back tattoo with makeup?
     Cinderella ain't got no time for sunburst back tats!
--I liked Jade's sparkle dress better than the one she chose
--How does she get to go on this fancy date and keep all the diamonds?
     Doesn't this seem like a date you would save for someone a little farther down the road?
     Good thing she got to escape at midnight or farmer Chris would probably have been expecting a little something something in exchange for the fine jewelry. Isn't that why boys give girls nice jewelry? Personal note: I'm no dummy and neither is Shawn. He got me the bling of the century and I know why. (I probably just went too far, didn't I?)
--Jade does seem pretty normal and down-to-earth. I like her hair better down though. 
--Why are they dancing on a platform? 
     I secretly hope they fall off. How funny would that be?
--And she flees at the strike of midnight!
     Ha! Do you think they sign something saying they will do exactly what the producers tell them to? I mean, how do you get Chris to waltz solo and Jade to run down the stairs a la Disney princess at the strike of midnight? I'd be like, oh, no thanks.  
     Actually, I take that back. If they gave me diamond earrings, I would probably run down the stairs, too. 

TRASH THE DRESS
--Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo, not a wedding dress
    When she flexes, I get scared. I'm sure Chris does too. 
--That mud course was probably fun for the first 3 (ish) minutes. They really should have a) not made them do it in wedding dresses and b) not made them run so much. 
     Running is just too hard. 
--I feel bad that you can see thru the wet dresses and see their underwear. 
     Why couldn't the producers have helped them out just a little bit? That's degrading, awkward, and annoying. (rant on this to follow)
--What was the point of this group date? They didn't even get to spend time with him at all, so it's a waste of time. 
--Of course Jillian won. No shock there
     She doesn't stop talking. 
     Her arms are huge. 
     "Planning is limiting" = interesting perspective
--"Her words come out faster than my head computes"
     Chris Soules is not smart. He even said it himself, so it's not that rude of me to say. 
     No wonder he can't carry on conversations. He isn't computing fast enough!
--Jillian plays would you rather? 
     Hated her would you rather example. Loved that she plays my favorite game
--How did Chris really say she could be in the top 3? 
     I have ZERO confidence in his woman choosing skills
--And Jillian just lost the crossfit competition for life. wah wah wah.
--I wish Chris had thrown her rose off the balcony. Would have been very bachelor Jake of him(remember that goofy pilot??)

ROSE CEREMONY
--The make-up artist has the worst make up ever
--Kardashian makes me want to die. Seriously. I'd like to petition to get her voted out of the mansion next.
     "It's weird for him not to make a move on me"
     Amen, sister. NOT. But a hilarious quote, nonetheless. 
     We get it. You are virgin. Now stop talking. For life.
--San Diego just moved to the top of my list, but probably to the bottom of Chris' because she isn't going to give it up like every other girl on this show. 
--He did NOT just get up in the middle of talking to Britt and walk off. (snap your fingers in a 'Z' formation)
     Britt was asking a very valid question, and I felt as though she was respectful. All she was saying is that if you are going to keep girls who keep getting wasted, taking off their clothes and talking dirty about sex, than I'm probably not the girl for you. VALID. 
However, Chris didn't like being called out. He couldn't even come up with a sentence to defend himself. All he had to say was "I see a different side of her and enjoy my time with her but I also like spending time with you blah blah blah" and I'm sure she would have been fine. But no, he pulled the 7-year-old tantrum card and walked away. YeeHaw!

MY RANTS
This season is awful (so far). Let's be real... I will probably be obsessed by the end of the season. I'm just a sucker like that.

#1- we watch the bachelor because we like to live vicariously through the show; watch the romance, the exotic destinations--anything to make our minds live in a false reality. Am I right? 
THIS IS NOT HAPPENING YET THIS SEASON. 
We don't want to watch dates at Costco, or in a muddy lake, and I definitely don't want to do a mud run. We already do those things for reals(well, I do one of the three). Where is the fantasy in this season? Where are the zip lining dates through the mountains in Canada and the sailing down rivers in Vietnam? The Cinderella date isn't going to cut it. 

#2- all these dates are trying to make Chris out to be a farmer. Yes, he's a farmer, but to the uneducated person (me) we might think of overalls, mud and stinky smells. This is no farmer Chris Soules. Chris drives a half a million dollar tractor and lives in a nice home. Yes, he is a farmer, but it doesn't mean he is constantly covered in mud and camping. 
I think there is confusion on who Chris really is. 

#3- I am not a feminist, but I feel like this season is a bit degrading to women. 
Example 1) the girls walk down main streets in LA in their bikinis
Example 2) the girls do a fun run in a wedding dress and the white dresses get wet and see thru
Ok, so I might only have two examples right now, but still. 

#4- Chris has been marketed as America's sweetheart, which he might be. However, homeboy loves to drink whiskey and get wild. Clearly. I mean, he keeps the drunkards, tatted and streakers. So, that's fine to like those things, but, stop playing him up like he's above everyone else because he's a sweet farmer. He's just a normal guy.

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