Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Jimmy Kimmel is NOT funny

Disclaimer: I want to apologize in advance - I feel like this season hasn't been too great so far and therefore I don't have awesome material to work with here, so, I feel as though my posts are lack luster. My apologies. Stay with me though; Chris Harrison keeps promising drama. 
Get me Michelle Money as the bachelorette and I promise superb reading material.  

-- Chris isn't a good actor. He didn't even have morning face. 
-- Jimmy Kimmel is annoying
-- Amazing!!!!!!

-- Amazing!!!!!!
-- Amazing!!!!!! 
     $3, please

-- She's wearing a crop top - what is that outfit? Sext lumberjack wannabe?

     I'd wear it if I had her body though, let's be real.
-- Costco? Dream date. Seriously. Pizza and froyo -- yes, please. Also, I'd be lying if I said Shawn and I haven't spent multiple weekend nights prowling the aisles of Costco. And now you all know how fun we are!
     Ketchup is gross
     Who needs helicopters when you have Costco? That might be what goes on my headstone. Can I get a hallelujah?
-- The Lipstick. Stop. Why does so much lipstick get all over Chris? It's bad and I can't take him seriously (wait, can I sans lipstick?) when he looks like a little boy who got into mommy's make up bag.
-- Kaitlin likes beef and whiskey - like a dude. She might act like a dude. She might BE a dude. She seems pretty rough around the edges. 
-- "I've dated legit farmers". 

     A) I don't believe it. 
     B) What does that make Chris? Legit farmers only do pigs, huh?
-- You can't buy a car without test driving it

     And that, ladies and gentlemen, answers ANY and ALL doubt about the fantasy suite. And also makes me want to puke. 
     I also don't believe Kaitlin when she said that she would be OK with him going all the way with 3 girls at the same time, and knowing about it. Yes, it might be a guy's dream, but no, she wouldn't really be cool about it. Lies on lies on lies.
-- Chris' laugh is super awkward sounding, and coming from the girl who "honks" and snorts when she laughs... yeah, maybe I have no room to talk.
     This isn't funny

     Go away Jimmy Kimmel. I want Jimmy Fallon!
-- Do they have to bring in a third party to make Chris seem funny? Apparently. 

     Kaitlin was laughing at Jimmy, not at anything Chris was saying.
-- "It felt normal" - oh, yeah, having dinner with a famous comedian.

     Totes norms.

-- The crossfit girls shirt says "stay classy" 

     How ironic. She seems anything but classy, but then again, she did have a Forever 21 bejeweled necklace on, so maybe she is classy
-- This date is gross
-- Crossfit is a dude. Riiiiight? She could kick Chris' trash

     Why is her bum always blacked out? Why can't she just stop cutting off the back of her shorts and wear shorts that actually fit her? #stayclassy
-- Holy shi ... Literally

     Ok,that was funny. Sorry, Mom & Dad. 
-- Bad victory dance
-- Karly - cute but weird eyebrows. They look like brackets [ and ] on the keyboard. Go ahead, look down at your keyboard. I'm dead on.
-- "You are a man and I am a woman" -- profound. Interesting pick up line. 
     Nice longhorn ring. She could kill someone with that thing. Hook 'em
-- Lots of kissing. Looooooots of kissing. But hey, he is a man, and they are women, and they are just doing test drives.
-- "Why are you kissing everyone else too?" --5head

     It's what this show is. Does she think he's only dating her? Did she really think that he was only going to kiss her? There are about 17 other girls there, sister. Did you forget? 
     Someone help the 21-year-old out. 

-- Why are Britt and Crossfit always all over each other. Lesbians?

    If you haven't noticed, start watching. They hold hands, snuggle, sit on each other. Just seems a little overkill.
    A little more normal in 3rd grade, but not for grown women.  
-- San Diego Becaa making him work for it -- I like it. 

     If you need the kiss for the rose, then you shouldn't want the rose. I'm glad there is at least one girl who isn't acting so desperado. 
     Stay classy, San Diego

-- Her voice! I die!

    Helium obsession? Nails on a chalkboard?
-- Matchy match in pink. 

     The couple that matches each other, stays together
-- "I like girls who can go with the flow, be spontaneous..."- Chris "Let's crash the wedding. I'm spontaneous" - Whitney

     How spontaneous is that? She is able to come up with a spontaneous idea, right after he says that's what he's looking for! It is very spontaneous to crash a wedding set up by producers for you. I mean, who would have thought? Not me! I am just not that spontaneous. 
-- Loving the ambiance of that wedding - lights hanging down

     How magical did the trees look? I was in wedding heaven!
-- They seemed like an actual couple and comfortable and normal

     For one second, it seemed like we were just spying on a normal couple. How did the producers crash the wedding too? And how did they convince the bride and groom they knew someone? 
     I am tricked by the whole situation, but I actually enjoyed their date. 
-- Chris gave the most real genuine rose speech, and then he grabbed her face and kissed her! Passion, people!
      I think we just witnessed two people fall in love for the night, right before our very Bachelor obsessed eyes!
      Top 3?


-- I repeat: Jimmy Kimmel is not funny
-- Why is there so much makeup at a pool party? Headbands? False lashes?

     I get that it is National TV, but I think the headdresses were a bit overkill. Oh, and the stilettos? I never have quite understood that look.
-- Why does Chris have a choker on? Welcome back, 1992. 

     They must not have been able to afford a stylist for this season.
-- Jeulia- clearly not healed after her tragic situation. 

     I missed why she thought it was so important to tell him during the pool party. The timing seemed a bit off. I doubt Chris wanted to hear the life story over partying with 13 half naked women
     "Can I get a tissue?" CLASSIC.

     --See how much better your dates would be if you had Chris Harrison + crew following you around to hand you tissues [read: chapstick, treats] at the perfect time? 

--Jade making out on the bed. Aggressive.

     Her bathing suit looked like she was topples. Did you notice? It was skin colored, with blue fringe over it, but the fringe moved when she laid down and BOOM--nudie fake out.
-- The trio should go
-- Jillian is a man. I've already said that, but I believe it so much, I'm saying it again.
-- Plastic cups. I loved the plastic cup rolling down the hill. So high school. Too bad they weren't red SOLO cups or it would be 2004 up in here.

     Smoke & mirrors, folks. Nothing is as glamorous as it seems at the mansion.
-- Ashley Kardashian - "I hope I kiss him again because that will make me feel better" oh, and I have nothing to say so let's kiss in awkward positions.

     She was standing up, leaning over and almost falling off the roof. Glad that made her feel better!

-- Chris' choices continue to confuse me
-- How is crazytown Ashley S. still around? And why do her eyes always look like she hypnotized. 
     My cousin Gretch said she looked like Sleeping Beauty when she was about to touch the spindle. Hilarious, yes freakishly accurate, comparison. 

Who are your favorites? 
I'm thinking Becca, Whitney & the widow.