Tuesday, May 24, 2016

JOJO - episode #1

First off, let me start by saying that my husband might leave me for Jojo, and I would totally understand. He likes to call her a "knockout" 
She's hot. I get it. 

Secondly, I promise to be more attentive to this blog this season.
But please forgive me if this blog post isn't up to par. I hope my babbling  hiatus has not affected by ability to babble on all things bachelor.  

-Holy body
-Always a good start to the season by watching someone with a perfect body walk down the beach, as you eat ice cream and bundt cake. We are like the same. 

-Kaitlyn loves interrupting 
-Her lips. constant duck face
(also, I follow her and Shawn on Instagram, I admit, and they are in love. Actually in love. As in, she threw him a surprise 30th birthday party. I think she's kind of annoying, but I love love, so I'm happy their love seems real)
-I forgot about Ali's pig nose
-Oh, and Roberto. RIP Roberto. I could use more of him on my TV...shirtless. 
-Cheers with 2 wine and 2 water glasses. Congrats to the two pregos!

-How many times is she going to use the word 'nervous'?
-Every time I think jojo is pretty, I can't help but think about how creepy and freaky her mom and dad looked. Please tell me you did not forget. Her mom was a model child for plastic surgery gone wrong (a few times) and her dad was bald, fat, and had a Hitler stache. I guess my future children DO stand a chance. Fingers crossed.

-Grant the firefighter -- weird shaped head. 
-Jordan -- Aaron Roger's little brother... will always be Aaron's little brother. I vote for him. He's pretty attractive. 
-Alex the marine. Good looking face but terrible arm tats. Does his twin brother have twin tats?  
     Also, he seems like he's super short.
-James the super fan -- standing on pride rock? OK, Mufassa.
-Evan from Nashville who helps with ED. Is that even real? He's not cute.
-Ali -- he's got some serious eyebrows but seems pretty cute. He may be a beach bum with no dinero, but he seems nice. 
-Christian the bi-racial workoutaholic. VETO.
-Luke the cowboy and war veteran .. maybe him and Jubilee could get together. War veteran + war veteran.

-I wouldn't be mad if Rogers was the first guy to get out of the limo, but every guy after might be a let down.
-Derek the commercial banker - kind of looks like Jim from the office. Do you know who that is? 
-Grant had an awkward entrance. 
-James the boxing club owner  - no me gusta.
-Robby the former competetive swimmer -- way to call her mom out on drinking straight from the wine bottle. HILARIOUS. Until she becomes your mother-in-law and hates you for it.
-Alex the marine -- I knew he was short.
-She tells everyone they look good. She must be nervous because that's her go-to line.
-Will -- nice cue cards.
-Chad only sells luxury real estate I guess. So exclusive. He's so above helping anyone who doesn't want luxury properties. 
-Daniel is a Canadian as his job? Since when is a nationality a profession? It makes 'War veteran' seem like an actual job. And, he seems like such a tool. 
-Price Ali, fabulous he, Ali aha bwa -- didn't expect him to be so short! Also, his getting out of the limo wave was like a 13-year-old boy seeing a cute girl on the playground. 
-"don't be nervous, this is going to be so much fun"
"you look and smell good"
Maybe Jojo needs some cue cards now, because she isn't very original
-James Taylor the singer -- I really liked his song and he seems like a nice guy. 
-A skirt!?! nasty. Jon the Canadian, in a kilt, who is half Chinese  Seems like too many strikes against him to have a chance.
-Aaaaaannd a Santa suit. I usually try to make myself look skinnier, and this outfit isn't doing him any favors.
Wouldn't be my first choice, but well played, St.Nick. I wonder if he's cute under all that beard. 
Flashback: do you remember the guy who wore a mask for 3 episodes straight? I don't remember what season that was (and I call myself a fan!) but I do remember it being hilarious slash the dumbest thing ever.
-Chase the medical sales rep. So 'punny.'
-Jake the architect -- nothing special.
-Sal -- blue balls  -- tacky.
-Coley -- not cute.
-Brandon, the hipster .... needs to eat.  He should be cuter if he's going to be a hipster as an occupation. As far as I know, hipster's don't make money by trade, so he needs to make money based on his looks, and that's not going to work for him either. 
-James the superfan. I hope he has good things to say. 
-Nick who did the splits. Wish his pants had split. Let's cross our fingers that shows up in the bloopers.
-Val the bartender -- blah.
-Peter - no thoughts.
-Evan is so not cute.
-Wells the radio DJ with the barbershop quartet. "All for One" This is such a good jam. (also I love him because this is my Dad and brother's middle name)
-Christian -- a gym rat with a motorcyle. Veto again.
-Luke the war veteran cleans up really nice. He rode in on a unicorn which gave him major points. He has a really cute face. 
-She also loves putting her arms wide open! She just wants big hugs I guess.

-I knew that Jojo and Rogers would have an instant connection. Called it.
And, for you male readers, Shawn said I should insert something about "Discount double check" here, to get some laughs out of you. Am I (Shawn) right? 
-Will and that awkward kiss. Awkward city.
-Jordan Rogers for the win. 
-Did you see the little hand motion she did about Jordan's butt? Hilarious. 
-I hate the Canadian. You can never trust a man in a black dress shirt.
-No scenario in this world, where it is ok to poke another mans' belly button. AMEN. 
-And now he's taking off his clothes. so gross. 
-Why are all of these men drunk. How annoying are they?
You would think by now that you would know the affects and consequences of drinking too much on night #1 of this show. You go home and you look like an idiot. Also, when you are nearing 30, shouldn't you have mastered how to control yourself? I know, it's just too much to ask. 
-St.Nick wasn't terrible looking, under all that white beard.
-James Taylor seems very sweet and pretty normal.
-Luke bought her cowboy boots?! Score.
-Jordan has a long, floppy hair thing going on. Do you see this?  Jojo should fix it for him. I can't stop laughing. It's like he has rogue bangs. 
-Chad is going to go far, but he's going to be a problem and pot-stirrer. You heard it here first. 

-so gross. ewwwww. He's like 40 now and was the bachelor like 20 seasons ago. She better not let him in. I couldn't like him less. 
-OK, so he just wanted to give advice.  Hallelujah! I thought he was going to say he loved her. Crisis averted. But really, what was the point of that? Bizarre. Someone wanted 2 more minutes of fame. 
-Go back to Vienna. Or crying on the balcony. Or being terrible on Dancing with the Stars.  Yes, he has a great resume :)

-Luke with the first rose..called it. 
-The marine really is good looking but he is so small (short) and for those of you saying I should love the short men...let me tell you why I'm not a short man lover.
As a short(er) woman, you want to feel like your man is taller than you. If I feel short, and then feel as though I am the same size as a man, that makes me think the man is mini. He could be 5 inches taller than me, but it will still feel like he's small. Nothing personal; it's just the feeling of this particular small girl...Mic drop.
-She kept the hipster? That was a forced decision by the producers.
-Vinny. Guido. Go home.
-Awkward kiss Will got a rose. He now has to redeem himself because she just called his kiss awkward on national TV.
-The ED specialist will no longer stab himself because he didn't get a rose.  Good. However, as soon as she finds out what he does for a living, he won't be so lucky.
-The Asian in a skirt better not get the last rose.
-The drunk, Canadian swimmer!?! This show makes me so mad. 
I know they claim it's not scripted and staged, but when things like this go down, how can it not be? 
-See the drunk guy who can't even keep his eyes open? Poor guy. 
-Peter -- don't remember ever seeing him, but he's better looking than half of the freaks she chose to keep. 

-Chad is going to be a big problem. Did I, or did I not say that?


Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Bachelor Ben - Episode 3

- I can't get over how ugly Olivia is without make up
    I am no beauty queen, trust me, but she is like night and day different looking

Lauren B. one-on-one  

-I think she looks all-American
(why are so many of the women hanging out in sport's bras?)
-Why do they keep putting these girls in convertibles with their hair down? We all know how awful it is to try and brush your hair after you ride top-down. It's knot city!
-They are in the front and the driver is in the back? 
     Seems like it would be hard to see for navigation purposes
-I like that their aviattion goggles are for looks only
-Darn mic gets in the way of the first kiss... and every kiss
-It's hard to watch him with another girl, Olivia? You can't actually see him up there in the plane. And, I know you are delusional and think he's your husband, but he's not.
-Lauren B. makes funny, sassy comments
-She doesn't like situations she can't control? But she came on the bachelor?  Seems like that won't work out
-A hot tub in the middle of nowhere?  
     Why yes, this is the Bachelor after all
-What is Ben's tattoo??? Seems girly
     Are you seeing this? A poem? What is it?
-Why is the tip of her nose so red? It's like red red

-Calm down, Caila! Emotional. 

-You don't want to hear about another girls? Well, Jojo doesn't want to hear you cry over him either!

-Lauren B. is going to the end. Watch. 

-Ben needs to cut the little curls on his forehead. It looks kinda creepy and greasy.
-Her white dress is darling
-Ben should pick her because he'd get awesome flight benefits, and who doesn't want free flights?
-Who are these singers they keep bringing on this show? I am a country junkie and I don't know who this is
-Oh, look! It' the awkward 'holding the rose with one hand while trying to dance and make out at the same time' part of the season.

Group date- soccer camp

-Jamie is gross. I am rude, but she isn't cute
-These girls are terrible at soccer
-The war veteran needs to stop whining about not being his type
     Then go home!
-Why is Jojo stuck being the therapist for these cryers? 
-Notice how she didn't say a word to either Jubilee or Caila after their crying episodes? Atta girl
-Will the producers please stop giving Olivia screen time?
-Beast mode twin Emily is awesome at goal tending
-Bummer. Olivia's team won which means we have to hear her speak more
-I really wanted the stars to win; I like more girls on their team and their uniforms are cuter.
-Shushana is a champ for carrying Rachel into the house

-I think it's funny that the girls were making fun of Olivia's toes

-Want to make enemies fast, Jamie? Go tell Olivia that the girls were making fun of her. Dumb move. 
-Amber went in for that kiss. Ben did not. Agressivo. 
    I don't think I'm an Amber fan.
-Olivia is delusional. He pushed off her leg!? He also pushed off on Jamie's leg on the other side of him. 
     Trust me, we re-watch the scene, just to make sure. There was an equal amount of force exerted on both women's thighs for the push off.

-Is it bad that I want to FF through Jubilee's date?

-Ok, I will force myself to watch it
-Enter the obligatory bachelor helicopter
-I like that Jamie called Jubilee 'awko taco' and that's hilarious
     If she keeps saying funny things, I wouldn't mind if she stayed
-Jubilee's pants are see-thru and her bum is going way back and forth, step by step, Nikki Minaj anaconda style. 
     You know what I'm talking about. Don't pretend.
-She can't answer one question honestly. All she does is pretend like she's not into anything. 
-She loves the sarcasm and the other girls obviously don't get that
    I guess Jubilee didn't get the memo that sarcasm is not allowed to be used in reference to wanting or not wanting to go on dates with Ben. It's just unacceptable, I guess.
-I like that she just spit up her food-- I'd do that
-Hot dogs are disgusting. 
-She just called him white boy?
     Bring on the racial comments
-Her body is banging but those tats are all so gross and weirdly placed
-She is a sass with an @$$ that she sure likes to show off
-Another swimming date ... Ben likes the water, or girls in bikinis
     Yep, it's the latter of the two
-She is very into her jokes. 
     I am also very into my jokes, so I get that.
     I often remind Shawn of how awesome my jokes are and how funny I am. Just in case he were to ever forget ;)
-Did she just steal Ben's line of not thinking she is loveable? 
     Ok, her justification for thinking that is way more legit than Ben's 
-Her fingernails would be awesome for back scratching
-She is very 'what you see is what you get' and I think Ben likes that
-Every time they show Jubilee, I see another tat I've never seen before
-They seem like a very unlikely pair to me, but he seems genuinely into her

-Ben just told her that people close to him died and she is crying to him talking about her cankles? And she hates her lower body?   

     Someone can't take social cues very well
-Did you see Lauren B. shoveling? She was attacking that salad
-Of course Ben loved a good massage. The girls are just mad they didn't think of it
-Amber is dramatic and digging her own grave right now
     I think she is too old for Ben and too old for this show, so she could just leave
-It was very sweet that Ben just stood up for Jubilee. I bet Amber felt so stupid
     She just stood there watching while Ben & Jubilee had a moment. It's like she made her own 3-on-one date...and no one ever wants  to go on those!
-Yes! Please go home, Lace
     I don't think she is as crazy in real life, but I bet she just can't hack this situation and it brought out the loco in her
-Listen to your tattoo: you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. 
     Thank goodness for deep tattoos to help us through the rough patches, right?
-Every time I see Olivia, she gets less and less pretty to me

-Shushana is a mathematician... what does a mathematician do?

-Olivia is such a mind reader, huh?

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Bachelor Ben - Episode 2

-those underwear were revealing
-Lace's front teeth. woof
-And she has no upper lip...and a pig nose


-Was it a requirement that you had to wear jean booty shorts?
-or crop tops?
-Chris Harrison would make a hot principal
-Did jubilee just refer to Lace as 'the brains' of their duo? I wouldn't put my money on that
-"I will not murder Lace, but she might disappear tactfully"
     I would be appreciate, Jubilee. Make it happen!
-Placing a state on the map? I'd be so in trouble 
-I probably would have put Indiana in the same place (and sideways) like Becca & Jojo
     I claim it's because I grew up in Korea, but I can't seriously only identify 25 of the 50 states. Shawn gets embarrassed. 
-It's still a dream to be homecoming queen at age 30? Yikes, Amber

-Becca was 3 for 3 on shooting

-Ben's shirt is tight and she took that pick up line opportunity
-Jennifer got the first 'Ben initiated' kiss. Didn't see that coming
-Olivia is scary looking without make up and has a freakishly big made me nervous kind of big
     She is actually really weird looking, no?
-Why is Lace talking in the third person? 
-Lace is nuts and annoying and just stares at Ben's lips the whole time she talks to him
     And I can't get over her teeth. They are just bad.
-Jubilee- girl got booty 
-If you have to keep telling people you're not crazy, you're probably crazy 
-Lace couldn't have asked for anything else from their one-on-one, but she didn't get a kiss, so i think she actually could have asked for more
-Jojo "I've never been this high in my entire life" 
     Guess she hasn't been on a plane? Pretty sure planes go higher than the building she was on.
-That's a pretty solid first kiss spot
-She's never been this happy in her life? Should we be worried?
-Did you see that Jubilee's job description says 'war veteran'
    The producers are awesome at creating hilarious job descriptions for these girls

Caila one on one

-Ice Cube? 
-Kevin hart is like 3 feet tall
-Ice cube has done everything from acting to rap - haha What a resume.
-They had to bring a comedian on to make it seem like Ben was more exciting?
-Liquor store?
-Hot tub store?
     This is a waste of a date
-Did you see how bad both of them were sweating on their faces in the hot tub?
-This is a really stupid way stupid. Where are the helicopters? 
     Please don't let this be a super low budget Chris Soules-esque season
-Yes, the first question I asked on a first date was what the other was looking for in a relationship. No messing around- just go straight for it
-Sweet leather jacket, Ben
-Both of them have pretty bad outfits on
-Should I know who Amos Lee is?
-Can a producer help her put the rose down so she can dance?
-"Snowball's chance in you know where"
     Funny, Caila. That's like a 65 year old man joke

Group date- love lab

-The blondes just admitted that they aren't smart = awesome
-The russian speaks english? Who knew?
-And she wears blue mascara. Throwing it back to 1995. I like it.
-Smells? This is bizarre
-Olivia is trashy and Ben just told her he wouldn't kiss her in front of others -- that was classy and respectful.
-Sam smells sour? I don't know what that means, but as someone who sweats profusely as night (ask Shawn, it's bizarre), I feel so bad for her. 
     OK, I realize that comment was TMI. Lo ciento.
-How annoying is Olivia? 
     I couldn't be more mad that she won. She is obnoxious
-Is the twin crying? 
-The Russian is a cute person
-The hot mom talks like a little mouse.
     If Minnie Mouse was real, it would be Amanda
-Ben is a kissing machine
-Why is he giving Olivia the rose? Not necessary

-She just called herself "wifey"

-I don't remember Leah at all
-Dun dun dun.... Lace vs. Olivia
-Lace loves talking about Lace in the third person
-And she talks about how she acts crazy every time she talks maybe    
     Let it go and stop talking about it
-She goes from talking about how crazy she is to talking about ugly childhood photos?
     Lace should feel bad for Lace's awkward personality.
-He took her to the spot of their day 1 interaction and printed a picture of them? That was darling. 
-She has a little Kate Hudson look to her
     And that is a small little dress
-He's making rose hair berets for Amanda's kids? 
     I literally teared up. Ask Shawn. I couldn't get over the tenderness of this moment. 

-Pity rose for Lace

-The sour smell goes home
-Who is the girl in the hot pink dress who he sent home?
-Peace out dentist. Raise the roof.
-What is the dentist's dress?
-Sam might not recover from this

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Bachelor Ben - Episode 1

It's baaaaaaack
Monday is once again, my favorite day of the week.
Benny Benny Boo Boo Boo, welcome to the program!

-Did you see how dirty those windows were?
-This prarie land scene is giving me flashbacks to boring Chris Soules... make it stop!
-First kiss at a movie theatre, Ben? So American of you
-His parent's house is cool... they have a boat ramp!
-Why does he think he is unloveable? 
-"Finding my wife would make me a better man" -- that's cute

-Why is he looking around the bachelor mansion like he's never been in it before?
-Jason, Chris & Sean: one of these is not like the other. As in two are married and normal, and one is boring and annoying.
-Chris is a fail, why did they bring him on?
-"Kiss them all" - stop talking Chris Soules
     No one wants to listen to any advise you have
-Whoa Jason Messnick, check out your pit stains. Holy huge tacos!

-Ben has more hair on his chest than I would have thought for this baby-faced 26 year old

Let's meet the ladies:
-Lauren - flight attendant - I'd only wear a bikini if i had that body. AAAAAAnd that's why my body doesn't look like that
-Caila - sales rep - seeing Ben on TV made her dump her boyfriend? Does that not raise red flags with anyone else? 
     Also, Shawn is now worried that I might get ideas and leave him for TV Ben too. Not likely. 
-Jubilee - military - sweet chest tattoo...and thigh tat, oh and lot's of other tats. She might be tougher than Ben. Like, she might have more testosterone than Ben and could throw him around.
     Also, thank you for serving our country.
-Mandi - dentist - skinny & creepy eyes
-Emily & Haley - "the twins" - do they always match? I hope they pull pranks on people using their twin gift
     How have they not twins on the show before? I am surprised this is the first time we are seeing double.
-Amanda - mom - beautiful but annoying voice
-Tiara - chicken enthusiast  -- weirdest person ever. She has framed pictures of her chickens! 
     You guys, that is not OK. Dogs-yes. Chickens- not so much. Nothing against the chickens, but it's just bizarre. They can't love you back or snuggle with you.
-Sam - attorney - she just graduated law school but then her description says she is a lawyer.... my guess is that she isn't a lawyer yet, just like Ashely (JP) wasn't a dentist yet. [remember that?] Oh, the fallacies that are Bachelor job descriptions.

-A hug from Chris Harrison would also calm my nerves

-Flight attendant - she's pretty and looks like her and Ben match each other and would look cute in pictures together. Like cute, baby faces or a Ken & Barbie vibe.
-Caila - did she really just jump into his arms? Also, that dress is Mormon approved. And maybe a shorter, blue version of my wedding dress. Am I right? Makes me like her a tiny bit.
-Jennifer - Ben & Jen is cute. RIP Afleck & Garner 
-Jami - bar tender. Nothing else to say about her. Obviously didn't stand out.
-Sam - red is a good color on her
     Just passed the bar exam... so she wasn't an attorney at the time of the beginning interview. I called it, did I not? 
     I am not sure if that is something to be proud of, or just overwhelming evidence that I'm a bachelor freak.
-Jubille - the "drill sergeant" with a see thru white dress.  
     That was NOT a pick up line, was it? Do pick up lines work?
-Amanda - yeah, she's still pretty 
-Lace - stole the first kiss and Ben looked like he was going to pass out. Pretty dumb move. 
     Also, her name might be a stripper's name
-Lauren - math teacher - stalked him over social media for two months. Let's be real--they all have, but I don't know if it makes it cute or creepy that she admitted it. A+ for honesty though.
     He keeps asking what her name is, but she just kept talking. I can't tell if that was part of her plan, or if she was just that awkward.
-Shushana - what language is she speaking? Does she speak English?
-Leah - she really just hiked her dress like that? Gross.
     She is so pretty, but why did she do that stupid opening? No need to bend over like that
-Unicorn Jojo- Not the way I would want to make my debut, but she is pretty
-Lauren - bouquet toss with dead flowers? 
-Laura - "red velvet" - not a nickname that just rolls off the tongue, now is it?
-Mandi - she is too weird to be a dentist. 
     There is a huge flower on her head. WEIRDO, oh, she's the first impression rose. I get it. And I still hate it. 
-Twins - their occupation is being a twin. That's funny.
     Do they count as one or two roses?
-Meagan the cowgirl - I like her pony more than I like her
-Breanne - nutritional therapist who literally is smashing bread? No need to be violent. One of the weirder introductions.
-Izzy - "are you the onsie for me" (Wouldn't this be better suited for a cute way to ask someone to prom?)
     She should change, because as comfortable as that is, it's not exactly flattering on the backside. Talk about making it look like you have the longest bum ever!
-Rachel - rides in on a balance board--that's cool. Unemployed? Sure, that's cool too
-Jessica - accountant - pretty eyes. A normal entrance and classy comment goes far. Cheers to being normal!!!
-Tiara - go back home to your chickens
-LB - hot pink dress. Not that impressed 
-Jackie - what's a Gerontologist ? She made a wedding announcement of the two of them? And a hashtag? Now, she's efficient!
-Olivia - news anchor in Texas. He thought she was beautiful, you could tell.
     Also, the former TV station employee in me wants to know how she is she taking time off during sweeps (ratings period for TV). You can never get time off during sweeps. [Insert Shawn mocking me for being a TV dork] I'm going to see what station she worked for. Must not have been a big market. Also, this is a publicity stunt. You with me on that one?

...and then he calls his dad...
Cute or too attached?

-The rose head for the steal. Why is she giving him a dental ex-am? More importantly, why is he letting her?
-Picking a spot on the map and just going ... Do you do that a lot, Ms. Broadcaster? I don't think she has actually just pointed to a spot on the map and then just gone there. Do you think she looks like Cameron Diaz?

-Do we think Becca is still a virgin?
    I really wish I looked like her, and I think Shawn (my husband) does too. He kind of got a sparkle in his eye when she appeared. Ok, maybe I did.
-Amber has outstayed her welcome on the Bachelor franchise shows
-Lace needs to stop drinking. She is going to be a big problem
     Dang, I was hoping that he was going to send her home
-The flight attendant for the win. You could see that coming
-Lace just keeps drinking
-I love that he calls them 'guys' and 'young ladies' 
    'Crazies' would also probably be an appropriate way to address them
-I am glad Jubilee could say "yes" with her dress being so tight and all 
-Who would want to go to the dentist after the display she has put on tonight? I wouldn't want a crazy all up in my grill.
-I wish he would have kept one twin and let the other go. 
-He kept the girl who doesn't speak english? I guess she must speak the language of love (insert cheesy bachelor pick up lines)
-WHAT!? NO!! He had to have been forced to keep the dentist
-and Lace??? Ratings, people. Ratings. He is way too normal to be crushing on Lace.
-She is so drunk. Just send her home. Now. 

Are you shocked at some of the people she had stay? Like more than normal? Every season I feel like there are people I am shocked stay, but I can tell that so many of the girls he kept are NOT matches for him.

I tried to watch the Live after show with Chris Harrison, but it's terrible. Confession, I did watch the whole show, but I had Shawn hit FF pretty much the whole time. 

I don't get the purpose of that show, but I'd totally go on and do it. I'm such a hypocrite. 

My top 4:
-Flight attendant 
-OK,I only have a top 3 right now. 

Until next Monday...