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Tuesday, May 24, 2016

JOJO - episode #1

First off, let me start by saying that my husband might leave me for Jojo, and I would totally understand. He likes to call her a "knockout" 
She's hot. I get it. 


Secondly, I promise to be more attentive to this blog this season.
But please forgive me if this blog post isn't up to par. I hope my babbling  hiatus has not affected by ability to babble on all things bachelor.  

-Holy body
-Always a good start to the season by watching someone with a perfect body walk down the beach, as you eat ice cream and bundt cake. We are like the same. 

-Kaitlyn loves interrupting 
-Her lips. constant duck face
(also, I follow her and Shawn on Instagram, I admit, and they are in love. Actually in love. As in, she threw him a surprise 30th birthday party. I think she's kind of annoying, but I love love, so I'm happy their love seems real)
-I forgot about Ali's pig nose
-Oh, and Roberto. RIP Roberto. I could use more of him on my TV...shirtless. 
-Cheers with 2 wine and 2 water glasses. Congrats to the two pregos!


-How many times is she going to use the word 'nervous'?
-Every time I think jojo is pretty, I can't help but think about how creepy and freaky her mom and dad looked. Please tell me you did not forget. Her mom was a model child for plastic surgery gone wrong (a few times) and her dad was bald, fat, and had a Hitler stache. I guess my future children DO stand a chance. Fingers crossed.


PREVIEWS of THE MEN
-Grant the firefighter -- weird shaped head. 
-Jordan -- Aaron Roger's little brother... will always be Aaron's little brother. I vote for him. He's pretty attractive. 
-Alex the marine. Good looking face but terrible arm tats. Does his twin brother have twin tats?  
     Also, he seems like he's super short.
-James the super fan -- standing on pride rock? OK, Mufassa.
-Evan from Nashville who helps with ED. Is that even real? He's not cute.
-Ali -- he's got some serious eyebrows but seems pretty cute. He may be a beach bum with no dinero, but he seems nice. 
-Christian the bi-racial workoutaholic. VETO.
-Luke the cowboy and war veteran .. maybe him and Jubilee could get together. War veteran + war veteran.


GETTING OUT OF THE LIMO
-I wouldn't be mad if Rogers was the first guy to get out of the limo, but every guy after might be a let down.
-Derek the commercial banker - kind of looks like Jim from the office. Do you know who that is? 
-Grant had an awkward entrance. 
-James the boxing club owner  - no me gusta.
-Robby the former competetive swimmer -- way to call her mom out on drinking straight from the wine bottle. HILARIOUS. Until she becomes your mother-in-law and hates you for it.
-Alex the marine -- I knew he was short.
-She tells everyone they look good. She must be nervous because that's her go-to line.
-Will -- nice cue cards.
-Chad only sells luxury real estate I guess. So exclusive. He's so above helping anyone who doesn't want luxury properties. 
-Daniel is a Canadian as his job? Since when is a nationality a profession? It makes 'War veteran' seem like an actual job. And, he seems like such a tool. 
-Price Ali, fabulous he, Ali aha bwa -- didn't expect him to be so short! Also, his getting out of the limo wave was like a 13-year-old boy seeing a cute girl on the playground. 
-"don't be nervous, this is going to be so much fun"
"you look and smell good"
Maybe Jojo needs some cue cards now, because she isn't very original
-James Taylor the singer -- I really liked his song and he seems like a nice guy. 
-A skirt!?! nasty. Jon the Canadian, in a kilt, who is half Chinese  Seems like too many strikes against him to have a chance.
-Aaaaaannd a Santa suit. I usually try to make myself look skinnier, and this outfit isn't doing him any favors.
Wouldn't be my first choice, but well played, St.Nick. I wonder if he's cute under all that beard. 
Flashback: do you remember the guy who wore a mask for 3 episodes straight? I don't remember what season that was (and I call myself a fan!) but I do remember it being hilarious slash the dumbest thing ever.
-Chase the medical sales rep. So 'punny.'
-Jake the architect -- nothing special.
-Sal -- blue balls  -- tacky.
-Coley -- not cute.
-Brandon, the hipster .... needs to eat.  He should be cuter if he's going to be a hipster as an occupation. As far as I know, hipster's don't make money by trade, so he needs to make money based on his looks, and that's not going to work for him either. 
-James the superfan. I hope he has good things to say. 
-Nick who did the splits. Wish his pants had split. Let's cross our fingers that shows up in the bloopers.
-Val the bartender -- blah.
-Peter - no thoughts.
-Evan is so not cute.
-Wells the radio DJ with the barbershop quartet. "All for One" This is such a good jam. (also I love him because this is my Dad and brother's middle name)
-Christian -- a gym rat with a motorcyle. Veto again.
-Luke the war veteran cleans up really nice. He rode in on a unicorn which gave him major points. He has a really cute face. 
-She also loves putting her arms wide open! She just wants big hugs I guess.

-I knew that Jojo and Rogers would have an instant connection. Called it.
And, for you male readers, Shawn said I should insert something about "Discount double check" here, to get some laughs out of you. Am I (Shawn) right? 
-Will and that awkward kiss. Awkward city.
-Jordan Rogers for the win. 
-Did you see the little hand motion she did about Jordan's butt? Hilarious. 
-I hate the Canadian. You can never trust a man in a black dress shirt.
-No scenario in this world, where it is ok to poke another mans' belly button. AMEN. 
-And now he's taking off his clothes. so gross. 
-Why are all of these men drunk. How annoying are they?
You would think by now that you would know the affects and consequences of drinking too much on night #1 of this show. You go home and you look like an idiot. Also, when you are nearing 30, shouldn't you have mastered how to control yourself? I know, it's just too much to ask. 
-St.Nick wasn't terrible looking, under all that white beard.
-James Taylor seems very sweet and pretty normal.
-Luke bought her cowboy boots?! Score.
-Jordan has a long, floppy hair thing going on. Do you see this?  Jojo should fix it for him. I can't stop laughing. It's like he has rogue bangs. 
-Chad is going to go far, but he's going to be a problem and pot-stirrer. You heard it here first. 

-JAKE PAVELKA!?! 
-so gross. ewwwww. He's like 40 now and was the bachelor like 20 seasons ago. She better not let him in. I couldn't like him less. 
-OK, so he just wanted to give advice.  Hallelujah! I thought he was going to say he loved her. Crisis averted. But really, what was the point of that? Bizarre. Someone wanted 2 more minutes of fame. 
-Go back to Vienna. Or crying on the balcony. Or being terrible on Dancing with the Stars.  Yes, he has a great resume :)


ROSE CEREMONY
-Luke with the first rose..called it. 
-The marine really is good looking but he is so small (short) and for those of you saying I should love the short men...let me tell you why I'm not a short man lover.
As a short(er) woman, you want to feel like your man is taller than you. If I feel short, and then feel as though I am the same size as a man, that makes me think the man is mini. He could be 5 inches taller than me, but it will still feel like he's small. Nothing personal; it's just the feeling of this particular small girl...Mic drop.
-She kept the hipster? That was a forced decision by the producers.
-Vinny. Guido. Go home.
-Awkward kiss Will got a rose. He now has to redeem himself because she just called his kiss awkward on national TV.
-The ED specialist will no longer stab himself because he didn't get a rose.  Good. However, as soon as she finds out what he does for a living, he won't be so lucky.
-The Asian in a skirt better not get the last rose.
-The drunk, Canadian swimmer!?! This show makes me so mad. 
I know they claim it's not scripted and staged, but when things like this go down, how can it not be? 
-See the drunk guy who can't even keep his eyes open? Poor guy. 
-Peter -- don't remember ever seeing him, but he's better looking than half of the freaks she chose to keep. 

PREVIEWS
-Chad is going to be a big problem. Did I, or did I not say that?

THIS IS GOING TO BE A GOOD ONE.